I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
