i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
