I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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