Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
