I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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