there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
