Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
