so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
