I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
