I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize