Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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