I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
