dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
