Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I deserve to be covered in dicks
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
