I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
