Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
