My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
