all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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