My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize