TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
