I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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