end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
