I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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