I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
