You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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