Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
