i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
