I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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