Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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