the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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