I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
