My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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