How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
