no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
