Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
