so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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