I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
