My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
