Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
