He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
