I cannot find my penis.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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