Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
