The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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