I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
