Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
