im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
