Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
