I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
