we're chasing vodka with high fives
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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