I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
