There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
