I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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