I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize