Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
