i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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