I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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