Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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