I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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