Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
