i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
